Scene 8
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master, Ruiz de lu la Ramper (sp?)
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one.
OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you, then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
[More taunting after the jump.]
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
wha?
GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
[moo]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.
BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop]
[mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do
wha?
un cadeau?
a present!
oh, un cadeau.
oui oui hurry!
wha-?
let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh -- and uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
[twong]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw!
Scene 36
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels singing]
ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised!
Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe
[something] the most-
[twong baaaa]
Jesus Christ!
GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
castle!
GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by
force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
Right! That settles it!
GUARD: Yes, this time and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
GUARD: No, remain, you illegitimate-faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!
ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
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