WILLIAMSVILLE – Jane Corwin, successful daughter of rich people and candidate for New York’s 26th Congressional District, today outlined a comprehensive pandering strategy to say she’ll decrease gas prices because that’s what our polling research said people want to hear. Corwin discussed her pandering agenda to a crowd of local idiots.
The need for a “whatever-sounds-good” pandering strategy has never been greater.
“I don’t pump my own gas, or have any idea how much it costs, but my maid tells me she can barely afford to get to my mansion anymore! Washington has heavily subsidized the oil industry and I plan to do the same–except I call it reducing our dependence on foreign oil. Eww, foreign. It sounds so…foreign.” Corwin told the idiots. “When I’m in Congress I will crush the EPA and ensure that your grandchildren live in a dystopian environmental hellscape–I mean, lower costs of fuel.”
Corwin offered several no-nonsense ways to ensure these vague sentiments:
- Increase domestic energy by burning the homeless and having gross fat people ride a treadmill that’s hooked into the grid.
- Get Washington out of the business of regulating anything, at any time, for any reason.
- Stop the EPA from doing stuff. Richard Nixon was one of our greatest presidents, but that agency is for losers.
“America’s energy concerns, kitchen table issues, groceries, et cetera, et cetera, things stupid poor people care about. I’m out!”
There are a couple of other satirical articles you can click on. It's a pretty sophisticated hack, and it's funny -- but mean.
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