UPDATED: My Picks For The Republican Nominee In 2012 - Limbo Lower Now. How Low Can You Go?

In my first post on this subject, I started by trying to "put them in categories, ranging from wildly unlikely to win a general election to unfit to work with Glenn Beck as a rodeo clown." I said:

First, there's Romney.
Second, there's Romney.
And third, there's Romney.

Then I gave up on trying to categorize them.

Well, things haven't improved. Romney is still plagued by the fact that he introduced RomneyCare in Massachusetts, something the Tea Party will never, ever forgive him for. He's continuing to lay low, avoiding the chaotic mess that is the Republican race. I've read speculation that he's waiting until at least some of the loons have weeded each other out, but sooner or later he's going to have to get into the fray. While labeled a flip-flopper -- which is true on some issues -- the bigger negative for him is where he hasn't flip-flopped: He holds the same positions he did years ago, but mainstream Republican thought has been dragged so far toward the lunatic right that formerly acceptable policy positions are now considered to be treasonous. He hasn't yet been blatantly pandering to the Tea Party, but he may have to. I sure hope he runs, just so I can hear again the story of how he strapped the dog to the top of the station wagon when the family went on holiday.

I dismissed the rest: "Huckabee. Bolton. Giuliani. Trump. Palin. Gingrich. Pawlenty. Bachmann. Daniels. Barbour. And now I'll have to go to double names, because no one ever heard of these guys: Howard Cain and -- I forget; some gay guy."

None of them has gained significant traction. I still can't remember the gay guy's name. Barbour has withdrawn. I haven't heard the name "Bolton" or seen his huge moustache and bad toupee in weeks, thank God. Daniels has been fading because he hasn't declared, although a lot of pundits are aching for him to become the "adult" candidate.

Herman Cain, "the pizza guy," apparently scored big in the first GOP debate, in South Carolina -- more on that below the fold -- while Pawlenty has dropped somewhat because of his failure in that same debate to score big against Cain and three other nobodies (including congressman Ron Paul and former senator Rick Santorum; in my first post, I forgot to include them in the list of those beneath notice).

Trump was a huge hit at first -- with the general public, though definitely not with the Republican establishment -- but he had a terrible week when Obama hit him with a triple whammy: produced his long-form birth certificate, shredded him at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and pre-empted Celebrity Apprentice for the bin Laden announcement. Trump then slunk away ignominiously and withdrew from his pace-car gig at the Indy 500. He was replaced by four-time Indy winner A.J. Foyt. I'd vote for Foyt before I'd vote for Trump.

I can add Ron Paul, Buddy Roemer (former governor of Louisiana), and Gary Johnson (former governor of New Mexico) to the list of never-will-bes.

I then speculated: "Jon Huntsman, Obama's ambassador in Beijing? Jeb Bush (Bush III; keeping his powder dry for 2016, when the name "Bush" may be less toxic than "bin Laden"[who was still alive at the time])? Chris Christie?" Huntsman has since declared himself interested, while Jeb and Christie (rotund, Barbour-like sitting governor of New Jersey) continue to deny any intention to run. Michael Bloomberg of the Plutocrat Party and Rick Perry (sitting governor of Texas) are remote possibilities.

The guy who wears the anti-abortion sandwichboard on 15th Avenue by the hospital hasn't declared yet.

Fox News covered the candidates' debate in South Carolina -- Paul, Cain, Pawlenty, Santorum, and Johnson. The debate was sponsored by, among others, the John Birch Society and the Oath Keepers. Terry Jones and the Westboro Baptist Church were busy elsewhere. Video and transcript of the remarks here. Summary of the Fox report after the jump.

Bret Baier liked Herman Cain and Rick Santorum, and played a short clip from each:

HERMAN CAIN: I'm proud of the fact, quite frankly, that I haven't held public office before, because I asked people, most of the people that are in elective office in Washington, D.C., they have held public office before. How is that working for you?

RICK SANTORUM, R-FORMER PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR: I think anybody that would suggest that we call a truce on the moral issues doesn't understand what America is all about.

Inspiring stuff, for sure. I predict Cain will emerge from this fiasco with his pride intact. And of course, Santorum is right. America is all about moral issues: criminalizing abortion; slapping gays; burning down mosques while making school prayer mandatory; teaching creationism; executing drug dealers; abolishing the Department of Education and the Environmental Protection Agency; abolition of child labor laws; privatizing prisons (Hey! Slice that baloney thinner! And one teabag, not two, in that 40-gallon drum! What do you mean, you want heat and light? Who the hell do you think you are -- a senator?); denying health care to poor people; deporting 20 million illegal aliens, but then bringing them all back because employers won't tolerate paying a living wage; opening national parks to hunters, and the right to bear fully automatic rifles, RPGs, depleted uranium shells, and cluster bombs SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED; euthanizing seniors who can't pass a means test; euthanizing juniors who can't pass a means test; giving tasers to everyone in authority, including crosswalk guards, hall monitors, and babysitters; mandatory nude cavity searches of all noncitizens at every border crossing; no coffee breaks for public servants -- mandatory prayer sessions instead; forbidding still or moving images portraying human skin; faith-based welfare grants, where a Republican-appointed commissioner can decide he has faith you don't need welfare; and equal opportunity for all, provided they are white males who sign an oath declaring themselves to be heterosexual Christians. (They're prepared to be flexible on one or two of those points.)

Steve Hayes from the Weekly Standard chose the Cain clip as the best moment of the night, which gives an indication of the standard of the debate. Cain would win hands down over the entire field if the vote were for best baritone; in real life, he's given up slinging pizza and has become a radio announcer.

Kirsten Powers from the New York Post liked Chris Wallace: "I'm gonna give a little shout out to Chris Wallace for tapping into his inner feminist and asking the question to Rick Santorum about what he'd written about working women." Baier got a laugh from the audience with a crack about Wallace's "inner feminist."

Charles Krauthammer faulted Gary Johnson for fumbling the question "If you had a reality show, what would it be?" Mine would be Charles Krauthammer being tied up and forced to stay at a frat party. Chuck was also glad that Santorum had pointed out that "Obama's successes, particularly in the war on terror, have all been as a result of the continuation and even the acceleration of policy that had begun with the Bush administration."

Good point, Chuck! He couldn't have:

• Passed universal healthcare if Bush had already done it
• Passed the most sweeping financial industry reform legislation since the Great Depression if it weren't for Bush's pro-corporate anti-regulation policies that needed reform in the first place
• Prevented a second Great Depression if Bush hadn't brought us to the brink
• Ended the Iraq war -- well, not yet, but he's reduced troops from a peak of 170,000 down to 50,000 who are focused on training and recruiting Iraqi forces rather than participating in combat, and the complete withdrawal is on schedule -- if Bush hadn't made the worst foreign policy blunder in U.S. history in the first place
• Passed significant legislation to curb greenhouse gases and improve the environment if the Bush administration had embraced science rather than voodoo
• Restored the U.S. image abroad if Bush hadn't ruined it
• Patched up relationships with NATO, the EU, and the UN if Bush hadn't treated them with contempt
• Improved conditions at Walter Reed and other military hospitals if Bush hadn't let them become a disgrace in the first place
• Ended previous policy of awarding no-bid defense contracts if it hadn't been there
• Lifted Bush restrictions on embryonic stem cell research if Bush hadn't imposed them
• Reversed Bush’s ban on federal funding to foreign organizations that allow abortions if Bush hadn't banned them
• Repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, with the complete cooperation of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, if Bush had done it
• Passed the Zadroga Bill for 9/11 first responders' health care if Bush had accomplished it in the seven years he had the chance
• Closed the "black site" CIA prisons in Eastern Europe and elsewhere if Bush hadn't opened them
• Repudiated torture and come into compliance with the Geneva Convention if Bush hadn't proudly embraced "enhanced interrogation methods" and flouted the Convention
• AND HE COULDN'T HAVE DIRECTED AN OPERATION THAT RESULTED IN THE DEATH OF OSAMA BIN LADEN if Bush hadn't delegated responsibility to the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan in the winter of 2001/2002 -- when Al Qaida was reduced to two or three hundred guys running around in the snow at Tora Bora -- and attacked Iraq instead; and then, in 2005, closed down the CIA unit that was hunting bin Laden.

True: All those Obama successes are based on what Bush had already done. Thank you, George W. You must be given the credit you deserve.

Krauthammer also thought none of the frontrunners had been hurt by not showing up.  Powers thought it didn't matter because the whole thing was irrelevant anyway. Good one, Kirsten!  Hayes thought Gingrich was hurt by not showing up because "he needs to reintroduce himself to the American people, to Republican primary voters in a way that makes him saleable as presidential candidate, not as this sort of back-bencher who became House speaker. I think that's gonna take a lot of time." Another good one! He needs to reintroduce himself in a way that makes him saleable as a presidential candidate, and that's a big job that will take some time; that's for sure.

Hey, here come the clowns! Pass the popcorn.