BILL MAHER, NOVEMBER 11
- I think I know why you're happy tonight -- drugs.
- [With several states legalizing recreational or medicinal marijuana] This election gave us permission to smoke weed -- and a reason we need to.
- Trump wants to get rid of the EPA and replace the environment with something terrific.
- Hillary won the popular vote, probably by 1.5 million. She just lost because there were more Trump supporters in the places that counted -- like Moscow.
- White women went for Trump by 10 points. How does that grab you, ladies?
GUEST - ERIC HOLDER
- HOLDER: Even for Republicans, Chris Christie is a bridge too far.
- MAHER: Ted Cruz said that Obama could have been a unifying leader, but he made some decisions that inflamed racial tensions. Like, staying black was a terrible decision.
- MAHER: We're at the place in the movie 'Sully" where the birds have just hit the engines. The plane's still flying, but -- brace for impact, ladies and gentlemen.
PANEL - DAVID AXELROD (DEMOCRATIC CONSULTANT), ANA MARIE COX (MTV NEWS), TOM FRIEDMAN (NEW YORK TIMES)
- FRIEDMAN: There were a lot of people for whom 80% was about race, and the other 20% was about race.
- FRIEDMAN: Trump is surrounded by some really legitimately bad people.
- FUTURE HEADLINES
- Two injured as driverless cars fight over parking space.
- Rachel Maddow show now just 60 minutes of drinking.
- After latest failure, Samsung decides to manufacture bombs.
- zombies delay apocalypse, view Trump victory as proof Americans don't have brains to eat.
GUEST: TRAE CROWDER, the liberal redneck
- I'm like the Jane Goodall of rednecks. I've lived among 'em for years; I know their ways.
- If you would have polled rednecks 3 years ago, "What do you think of Donald Trump," the answer would have been: "He's a smug full-of-shit Yankee who thinks he's better than everyone else and needs his ass whipped, God damn it."
GUEST - JOHN LEGEND
- AXELROD - I don't think Trump is a racist. He's an opportunist who exploited racism; he knew better and he knew what he was doing.
- LEGEND - There are people whose lives are in danger because our president is a racist.
- FRIEDMAN - Asians, Indians [et cetera] won't come here to study; there'll be a brain drain.
- FRIEDMAN - This was a moral 9/11, but 9/11 was done to us from the outside and we did this ourselves.
- MAHER - Don't tell Americans, "You can't be that stupid," because Americans will say "Don't tell me how stupid I can be!"
NEW RULES
- A W. poster, "Miss me yet?" "Okay, now I do."
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg must live forever.
- [Democrat survival preppers: kale & quinoa salad, et cetera] Apple produced the iDefender. It's like any other shotgun, but it's twice as expensive, only accepts Apple's proprietary iShells, and they removed the barrel sight to make it thinner.
- Now that Trump has set a record for getting white votes in America, we must face up to one fact: the Anglo-Saxons are not sending us their best people. Pundits agree that Americans have never been more divided, though I think it may have been more divided during the Civil War. It's the most divisive period I've experienced, and I lived through the traumatic punk v. disco wars in the 1970s. [Bad roommates] We look at them, thinking "I don't even know who you are anymore." They look at us, thinking "Fag." Sure, we think of living someplace more progressive, like Canada or North Korea, but ... [nostalgia] we played Monopoly, never realizing that going bankrupt in Atlantic City was a stepping stone to the White House. Bad roommates in sitcoms have often used tape to divide the apartment, going back to I Love Lucy: Lucy on one side, the Spanish-speaking immigrant on the other. She just wanted to make the living room great again. [Don't move away] America needs you, right here with me and the rest of the resistance, until we can figure out how to really make America great again.
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